If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
NoShamevember. You game?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
