yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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