if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
