I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
