Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Randomize
