I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
