Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
