I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
