like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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