That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Randomize
