Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
