hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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