i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
