I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
