We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
