I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
