Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
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You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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