What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
