I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
