My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
