We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
We were destined to go to rehab together
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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