Three words: puerto rican gang bang
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
last night I used snow as a chaser
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
