I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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