just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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