In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
