she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
