We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
sex in a hospital.. check
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
