Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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