I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
