dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
