our cab driver is having phone sex.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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