Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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