forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
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