everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
