I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
either way he was missing a nipple.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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