Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Randomize
