i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
