how can u be prego again
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
