I feel like abortions should bother me more
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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