I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?