sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Someone signed my nipple.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize