I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
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