If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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