It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize
