I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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