I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
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At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
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Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
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