You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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