First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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