We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
