my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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