So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Randomize
