some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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