I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
