census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
