I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
It's shark week go big or go home
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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