Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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