I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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