he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
